Counting Down to 90 - Week 1576 - When Besserwissers and Isguzars Violate Your Shifgrethor

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Two years ago, Bijal and I were planning our first trip to Australia. After extensive research, we finalized a 17-day program through 4 cities that excluded Hobart. A month prior, I was meeting with friends, and one asked about my Australia itinerary. I told them. Another friend, who had been to Australia once, chimed in and said, “You’re spending too many days in each city. Two nights are enough. Take those extra days and go to Hobart.”

I hadn’t asked for this unnecessary advice that then made me worry if I was making a mistake and whether I should rethink my plans despite having booked my internal flights and hotels. This friend had violated my shifgrethor by being a besserwisser, a German word for a Mr. Know-it-All, and made me feel bad about my choices.

A similar thing happened with another friend traveling to Morocco for 8 days, who was told by someone else in the group that 8 days were 3 days too many and 5 days were enough. This put the first friend on the defensive to explain why he was going to spend 8 days instead of 5. It was none of anyone’s business, and the besserwisser should have refrained from being an isguzar, as they say in Turkish.

In both cases, it would have been different if we’d asked for advice, travel tips, or places to visit. But we didn’t, and these people shouldn’t have poked their noses where they didn’t belong. 

If you are itching to give advice, first ask for permission.

A few months ago, we planned to travel to Barcelona and mentioned it to a couple we were having dinner with, who had been there a year ago. They asked, “Would you like suggestions for non-Indian vegetarian restaurants in Barcelona?” We said yes and they sent those later. This is very different from someone else saying, “You must visit these two restaurants in Barcelona. They are amazing,” which would put us on the backfoot, especially if we had no plans to eat in those places. Worse is someone who after you come back says, “Didn’t you go to this restaurant in Barcelona? Oh, you don’t know what you missed.” 

Shifgrethor is a word created by Ursula K. Le Guin in The Left Hand of Darkness, describing a moral code and living manner in a fictional planet called Gethen. Justus Mills’ recent post made me rethink this. Shifgrethor has a broader meaning than just giving and receiving advice, but the bottom line in Gethen is that no one should give advice unless the person you are giving advice to has waived shifgrethor and allowed it.

I’m also guilty of giving unwanted advice. Two days ago, in a meeting, I met a colleague planning to build a wellness place in the North. Instead of asking, “How do you plan to do this?”, I said, “You should partner with hospitality leaders who know about wellness,” putting him on the defensive to explain what he’d already done...he had done his homework, hired a consultant, and was weighing options. I gave unnecessary gyan that he hadn’t asked for.

WhatsApp has turned everyone into gyanis because it costs nothing to give advice. I once asked a group if Heeramandi was worth watching. I’m picky about how I spend my time on movies, shows, or books. Reviews for Heeramandi were mixed, so I wanted opinions from people who’d seen it. Most said it wasn’t worth it while one person loved it. While I was debating whether to watch it or not (I did finally watch the first episode and then stopped), the group was flooded with unsolicited show recommendations. I used a funny emoji to say I only wanted to know about Heeramandi, but it didn’t stop the suggestions...which continue till today.

It would be interesting if people were charged for unsolicited advice. They would think ten times before speaking and saying things no one had asked to hear.

It’s not always easy, especially professionally, especially when you think you know more than the patient. Two days ago, I was doing a lung biopsy on a current smoker. A relative asked when the patient could start smoking again—today, tomorrow, or in a week. I launched into a spiel about quitting right away because a recent paper has shown better outcomes for those who stop smoking after a lung cancer diagnosis than those who continue. He listened, then explained that the patient wasn’t going to quit and just wanted to know when to smoke again. I should’ve just answered the question after understanding it properly. Forget giving unwanted advice; we often don’t fully listen to people’s questions when they ask for advice. 

Sometimes people narrate incidents just to unburden themselves, not because they want advice. We just need to listen without chiming in with gyan, which will only make them feel worse. I’ve been guilty of being an izguzar…saying things like, “You did this wrong.”, “Or I would never have done what you have done.” and my family has labeled me a “school principal” for sermonizing and being a besserwisser. The older I get, I realize, it’s best to hear someone out, which is sometimes all they want and not give any gyan, unless specifically asked and if asked, only answer the questions asked.

A few years ago, a friend over 50 asked whether to get knee surgery for a degenerative meniscal tear right away or after 6 weeks. I said it didn’t matter when and to decide based on convenience. This went on for around 10 minutes. The surgery wasn’t indicated, but it wasn’t my place to say so. In the end, they asked, “Is the surgery needed at all?” and I said it wasn’t, and the surgery never happened.

Should I have said so right away, even though that wasn’t the question? What if that question hadn’t been asked and the friend had undergone knee arthroscopy despite evidence against it for those over 50 with degenerative meniscal tears? I don’t have black-and-white answers. This depends on the closeness of the relationship, the nature of the problem, the dangers of the procedure and many other factors that add significant nuance to such situations.

Outside of the profession though, it’s best to stay quiet unless asked and I remind myself of this incident each time I am tempted to give free relationship advice. 

A close friend (A) got engaged to (B) who, according to another close friend (C) studying with (B), was wrong for (A). (A) knew that (C) knew (B) well, but didn’t ask for advice and the engagement was announced. We debated this for a week. Should we tell (A) that (B) is a bad choice or leave it? We decided to do nothing and 40 years later, (A) and (B) are happily married. 

A few years ago, a friend sent divorce papers on WhatsApp. I kept quiet. The friend then berated me for not calling and advising and supporting, which apparently everyone else did. I still kept quiet. The couple is back together now with the divorce canceled. It’s good I didn’t butt in. These are tricky situations, but it helps to have a policy to not interfere unless asked and then too, if only absolutely necessary. 

If we could restrain ourselves and give advice only when asked and stop trying to teach everyone what we know, stop being besserwissers and izguzars, the world might be a slightly better place to live in. 

As I get older, I’m less inhibited to tell the other person to shut up when they’re dispensing free advice. If I tell you to zip it, just zip it. I didn’t ask for free advice, so don’t give it. And if you catch me giving unasked advice, remind me and feel free to tell me to shut up.

If you do have something to share about this, please feel free to comment.